The Terrorist in front of me: Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

‘Why do I do this to myself?’ I berate myself silently as I search through my shelves and cupboards for any winter clothes. Winter has silently been creeping up on me and I had actively been trying to ignore. But now I was in desperate need of something more protective than the thin tops and pants that I frequented during the summer months. But alas, no warmer clothing was to be found. After what felt like hours of searching, I rock back on my heels and consider where all my winter clothes have gotten to. I know I have some of my thick woolly jerseys and jackets packed in a suitcase under my bed (because my cupboards ran out of space-i have small cupboards okay?-) , but I know I had some pants and winter tights in my cupboard. Then a light bulb flashes in my head. Only this light is grey and not very happy looking, because I finally know where my winter pants got to, and it’s not a very happy thought.

I gave them away. All of them. (Well, in my defence, winter pants don’t look nice on me majority of the time. They make me look fat). I mean, it’s nice knowing that someone is benefitting from it in this harsh weather, but as selfish as this sounds, what about me?

Ok, I can feel your judging waves pouring at me through the pages, so let me explain. I’m not rich ok? I don’t have a job. And I can’t ask my father to buy anything for me because we have a very strict budget in this house. We each receive R100 a month in clothes money and we can spend it however and whenever we want. This may seem nice to you but think about it. A CHEAP pair of pants costs at least R100. and I say this as someone who frequents second-hand shops (I love those. The bargains you can get…) So winter pants should be on average R300-R400. That’s 4 months money for one pair of pants. And my mommy only does washing about once a week. And I am not a cavewoman, I need to bath. (fun fact about me: I sweat more in the cold than I do in summer. Yeah..it’s a me thing). So that means 3 pairs should be enough. Soo 3 times R400 is R1600. That’s more than an entire year’s clothes budget. And I do have other clothing items that I need to buy within the year as well. Therefore, as wonderful as I feel knowing that my clothes which are no longer mine are benefitting someone who is not me…how could I be so silly? Let me tell you why: when I took those clothes out, I probably took one look at them and thought, “Why would I ever need them? They’re so thick and hot. I’ll never wear them”. This didn’t stem purely out of vanity. At that time, we were in the crux of summer, with scorching heatwaves and sun peeling skin. From that perspective, it was very difficult to recall what a concept called winter felt like.
Ugh. I’m so …ugh. I’m too irritated to write anymore.